Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I've noticed of late that my posts tend to be filled with pictures than words. Come to think of it, I 've begun to notice little random details that seem to fill my life now...as compared to before. Is it becaue I am now alone, out of my comfort zone, being an individual in a new place and world? Now, things that I used to take for granted present themselves in a whole new light. Or it just might be the change of seasons, the new cold tinge to the air, the foreign particles that I have been breathing in for more than a month. Whatever the cause, I realize that it might just be a good thing. A chance to rethink and regather- fractured thoughts, stray ends, hanging relationships, false lies and the chance to prove myself to the one person that matters- Me.

In line with the gut feeling of change and uneasiness, I tend to dissect random thoughts throughout the day. This one occured to me halfway through retail ownerships listing: So, I am finally getting older. Thanks to the individuals who kindly posted pre-birthday greetings...(I'm looking at you and you! You guys know who you are! Warm thoughts are so appreciated...but I think I'd rather trade for a day in Italy or Miri, just to be with you). I wonder: am I finally ready to be the big 2?

Somehow, apart from my incessant need to be or feel in control of every aspect of my life, I ponder the likelihood of ever feeling like a grown up. I may just be the most child-like grown up ever; appearance wise and thought-wise. The appearance I am slowly coming to terms with. The thought process...I don't think I want to change. I am thankful with the fact that I still get to view the world in a childlike state, partly I know of the ills and omens but I am still detached from feeling the true state of things. I see blue clouds instead of grey and try to find the light in dark situations. So for the past 20 years of my life, I have been truly blessed. I can't comprehend the hurt and the hopelessness that peers talk to me about...is it because I have yet to experience it myself? Will it all change now?

Will I decompose into another individual? Will I view more shades than merely black and white? Will I stop enjoying the feeling of wind on my face? Will I start to question life?

Pft, I sound afraid of my own birthday. Who has ever heard of pre-birthday blues? Then again, in moments like this, it helps to remember that not everyone come out of life attached to an emotional blackhole. No matter how old or how deluded with life they become. There are always those who tend to see the positive side of things, who pursue what they believe in, who never say never, who inspire and enjoy and never regret past decisions. Who take life as it comes. Essentially, who I would like to be.

I only hope that this turning of age will come with new discoveries, new challenges and new surprises- to always keep me wanting more and never less; from life.


(_.·´¯`·×» candies said...

hi babe....how you been?? it s been a long time yea??

Laucy said...

hello...m jus randomly pop in ur blog...but guess i too have pre bday blue now...